Message from Jesus for you and I when we doubt and grieve about ourselves.
Today I feel so heavy and no enthusiasm for
anything. All day along I feel so lazy and feel like I tried to run away, hide,
and denial something from myself. I heard those voices which told me all this
day, kept questioning me for something I am doing for Jesus through creating
this writing. It kept questioning me:
Are
you sure you are propriate for this?
Don’t
you think you are such a Hypocrite person?
Don’t
you afraid of big sins, if you fail to complete this task?
Aren’t
you think people will think you as a weird, hypocrite, liar, religion fanatic,
big mouth, and crazy?
What
if people start to criticize you?
Don’t
you think what will your parents and family find this?
Won’t
they find you weird?
Don’t
you know, if you do this, there’s no money and material income?
Don’t
you need money?
You
need it, right?
Don’t
you tire for people keep looking down on you?
For
not being employee or married to a rich man?
By
doing this, you know there’ll be no rich, money, title, and you may not be able
to collect money for your dream marriage and husband.
Do
you need I recall you, about your past relationship?
Those
doomed because you didn’t have money to buy ticket and visit them?
Or
collect money for the wedding?
Why
do you want to do it?
Etc…
All those things were heard inside my head,
and they kept pulling me to be so heavy and suffocate in negative energy. I can
feel my anger, sad, grieve, and regret which turn my faith and courage into
fear, doubt, and insecure. Slow but sure they turned my moods into laziness,
and anger. I tried to control my mind by doing games, foods, and sleep. But
none of these helped me release from the dark. Until I chose to pray asking for
what actually happened to me by using reading cards. Before I did it, I pray
and ask for permission from God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and all of my spirit
guides. By then I was given the vision of my energy which is I walk to a new path,
but something tried to holding me back, because of the fear of materials gain
and happiness.
At first, I was wondering, what all those
meaning?
Then I kept silent for some moments to let
my mind and emotion, also ego, fear, grieve, insecurity themselves come out and
be honest to me, let out all of the burdens. After some moments, I opened all
of it and said it out all things those made me doubting myself. Doubt, fear, insecure
and all those things darkness used to questioning me. It’s same situation as I
was facing bullies who are giving me the eyes of mocking. As if they were telling
me: “Loser!”; “you can’t do it, better begone!”; “hypocrite!”; ”freak!” ; ”no
one will read your Instagram or blog!” ; “yes, because you are loser,
and there are better people than you, out there!”; “such a sinner, for how dare
you write these as if you can hear Him.” ; “ Do you really think, you are allow
to write His words? Are you a Saint?”; “No! you are not! Because you are a
SINNER!”; “HYPOCRITE!”; “AND HYPOCRITE WILL GO TO HELL!”; “SHAME ON YOU!”; etc.
They intimidated me by spread
fears and doubt on myself.
Yes, I know I’m a sinner and stupid. I kept
making mistakes in my life, I make so many things those even myself not proud
at all. They use my mistakes, failures, and imperfections against me. I tried
to fight them, I tried to run and denial all of them. But same as bullies,
instead of give up and let me go, they became more louder manipulating, and
intimidating me. All of those things soon effected on me. My mind became cloudy
and foggy. It also effected on my emotion slowly turn into storm. Even it impacted
on my physical strength which make me feel the body became heavy, burden, and
unbearable, I feel so moody all day and no excitement for doing anything. I began
doubting myself by these questioning, such as “what if I make mistakes those
will make God, Jesus, and Holy Spirits disappoint to me?”; “Do I really fit for
this role?”; “what if I mess up?”; etc.
Turns out, darkness showed me another recall,
those are the fear of rejection, disappointment, and skepticism from so many
people I have met in the past, and things I had experienced in family and
friends. Those something they might not realize or not unconsciously they planted
seed of “self-doubt” in me.
In
the past I’m so hate myself, I even had the thought of suicide for so many
times. For I believed I was: disappointment, failure, baggage, evil, useless,
unworthy, and loser. I kept seeing myself as the biggest enemy, something that
should never be forgiven and better never exist, for I also believe that it’s a
waste for God invest life in me for I no good and no purpose in life. Rather
trusting myself, I trust people more. I often hurt myself by hit, pinch,
pulling hair, self-starving, hatred words, and even thought of suicide. Until
one day, I had fed up with all of those “unworthy-self” so I
thought of drink insecticide as something I should do for the best and free my
family from me the burden and useless child, for they could have a better life
and economy and use it for my brother which I thought who’s better to be
invested than me, also to free myself from being the cause of everything bad.
I remember the dark itself said to me “come
on! If you want to relieve your beloved people from the burden, you should drink
it. You know you are the burden. You are a loser, useless, disappointment, and
I think even God doesn’t love you.”; “if He loves you, why don’t he let you
have everything, such as money, job, title, career, and lovers?”; “can’t you
see? He only loves your brother and cousins. They got what you didn’t.”; ”so,
why are you still want to keeping your life?”; ”you better be with me in hell.
Because, there’s where you should be.”; “you are same with trashes.”
I remember how cloudy and foggy my mind, it
seems my eyes were closed, and the whole body were controlled by the voices. Seems
I had a courage to take the poison. But, before I even able to move from my
bed, I felt something hold me back, as if someone hugged me back and blocking
me from the stupidness. While the voices of suicide started to calling me:
“why do you stop?”;
“COWARD!”
“SHAME ON YOU!”
The presence that held me said:
“stop
my child, don’t.”
“we
love you, don’t go to that way. Stay. I am always be with you.”
“don’t
ever pray for us to take back your life and put you in the eternal misery.”
“doing
suicide doesn’t help anyone and anything, It’s the real defeat if you give up
your life for misery and sadness.”
“come
to me, and I will lead you to the real glory, where you will never be sad and
empty again or even feel useless and unworthy, because you are precious.”
Matt 11:28-30 come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light
Again, then I ask to my Spirit Guide about
my eligibility to share this sacred material, and they told me to free myself
from self-doubt. For them, they told me to let myself to see my own strength
that I always keep it closed. Until one question I asked to my spirit guide,
“who are you?” by then there’s the voice that said “Jesus” in my head. First, I
can’t believe it. Because, how can someone who so holy be with me, the sinner?
I tried to make sure that it
wasn’t my imagination. But while I saw the cards, as if I could hear a voice in
my head, the thought for the words of “I am the way of truth and life” appear
in my mind. At the other side I didn’t
believe my mind, thought I must be crazy. But at the other side didn’t want to
not believe Him, so I dare myself to said His name. Believe it or not soon I felt
ache from my chest and suddenly I began to crying and telling every burden and
baggage in my heart and mind.
Sadly,
I may not be able to see or listen Him physically. But my I believe my heart who said He was the one who near and comforting me. That
He is the one who listened all of my burden and fears. He is the one who lifted
all of my darkness, and gave the light for I found peace. He is the one who
lifted my heavy and burden energy, and change it for the light and enthusiasm.
Mark
5:36 Be not afraid, only believe
That is
for I no need to be afraid, just believe and trust that He will always help me
and let me know if I write something wrong. For I never doubt myself again, and
keep believing and trusting for God created me for the reason and goal in my
life. And with help from Jesus and Holy spirits I will be guided by them to do my
task in this world.
This message not only for me but also for all my
brothers and sisters anywhere and everywhere. Do not be afraid, believe in Him
who will always be with you and He will always be the one who catch your hands
when you slip into the darkness. Do not be afraid to come back, for He is gentle
and humble, also full of unconditional love and merciful. I believe, instead of
sad or angry for what you did, when you chose to come back, He will be very
happy and joy for we the lost lambs were found and saved.
Also, Jesus
ask us to do this one, instead of hurting and hating our flaws, mistakes and
sins:
Luke 6:37 Forgive, and you shall be forgiven.
That
is for us to not only forgive people who hurt us but also forgive our flaws,
sins, and mistakes. For He always already forgive and loves us unconditionally.
Even thou we are sinners and full of flaws, believe He always forgives our sins.
We might need to remember His sacrifice on the cross. Which shows us how
merciful He is to us, that we can see through His willing for bring our sins,
receive our punishment for being sinners and insubordinate, for us should be
the one did the punishment for our sins, flaws, and sins, but He protect us and
defend us by letting Himself the one who’s Holy to be accused, judged and
punished. Even He gives us His mercy and He also prayed for us.
Matt 9:12 On
hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the
sick.”
But
sometimes, we might not notice for our own act to ourselves, that even thou He
always forgive and mercy us, we still do the opposite act from His. We keep
rage, grieve, regret, etc. inside our head and heart, we keep holding to the
fears and disappointment into ourselves. Sometimes we might not know we would
like to remind ourselves about our own past mistakes, those slowly turn our healed
heart into heartache again. Turn our healthy mindset and believe into doubt and
indecisive. We keep stand on the same cycle of self-blaming. That’s why
through Jesus loving word message, in this card. Made me realize, that the one
who might keep hold back us from move on in our lives aren’t people who hurt us
in the past. But our believe of the fears of mistake, failure, rejection,
incompetence, and every kind of broken heart which is “the hurt ego” that
like to lead us to have “victim mental” and “the cause of
every problem in the world” mindset, things that also like lead us to
have the behaviors such as skeptic, insecure, and apathic those could lead us
to the all of negative actions such as laziness, envy, rage, grudge, and other actions
to anyone and anything, include ourselves.
If we may try to imagine about the situation
when Jesus, Himself must brought the cross and be crossed, surely for us it’s so
scary and impossible to focus and do the Holy task as we can imagine how people
around Him treat Him so horrible. Also, we might want to read back in Bible
about how much rejections, threat, denial, injustice judged, and even betrayal
those Jesus had experienced in His journey to do His Holy task. Despite all of
that, He able to faced and did it because He believe and trust God. In our
case, we also have similar situation such as be bullied, cheated on, degrade,
be alienated, be rejected, broken heart, and others. But we often to make those
to be the reason for us to be skeptic and choose to run away from the life and
dream even from our spiritual purpose. We often choose to deny our life journey
purpose for our hurt self.
If we allow ourselves to try learning
from our Great Holy Teacher, we might learn how to face our fear for we are
able to reach every single goal in our life, spiritually and flesh.
But as a human, I also agree for
facing fears and go through beyond the impossible can cost so much energy of
emotional, mind, and mentally because it cost of ego denial (the hurt self /pride
denial). Also, to have great faith and believe are not as a simple thing as we
could say with our mouth. It needs our willing to learn and grow up to be
stronger and courage to have it.
How to gain faith and believe then?
The answer is simple, pray to God,
Jesus, and Holy Spirits for us have the strength, courage, and willing to
believe, trust, and have faith in Them.
Matt 21:22 All things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.
But I also agree that to do the believing
process for us believe that we were blessed and our prayers already be listened
by Him is not an easy task. Sometimes, we will face our darkness that again
will try tempt us to begin questioning and doubt Him for gives us what we
prayed for. Even I also still often to be tempted and tempt to doubt and lose
faith in Him for He already heard my pray and I already receive the blessing.
So, what can we do?
From
what I use to do when I get temptation, I always bring all of darkness those
burdening and annoying me into pray, and I tell Him everything. I honest and be
truth with every single emotion, feeling, and thoughts as much as I can to Him.
Then I pray to Him for all of the darkness may change into new light, then
believe it or not, once I prayed for peaceful and His guidance for, I be able
to let go them, I received heart to believe Him more and peaceful mind and
soul.
Matt 26:41 Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation
The things those I tried to release with
foods, games, fortune tell, and others were sure giving me the comforts, but
the other effect is also turn me into unhealthy addictions, since all of them
only satisfied me in short term. Every time the comforts feeling gone, it made
me I want more, more, and more, even it made me want bigger the doses and increase
the intensity.
But, when I talk
to Him in pray for everything, I always received these light feelings, and
satisfaction, that made me able to feel no more hunger or thirst spiritually. Which
also really help me to control my flesh appetite for everything include hunger,
thirst, even sexual desire. Which also help me to more focus on healthy lifestyle
and wellbeing.
John 4:14 but
whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst
So yes, I can say for the result
of our pray is real!
It may not always you received in
materials, but. Believe that He knows you need them for survive, but let your
spiritual needs be fulfilled with the Eternal Water and the Bread of Life who
is Jesus Himself.
John 6:48 I am
the living bread that came down from heaven.
From what we can understand from it, it
doesn’t mean for us to eat literally, but to understand it, we can say the
reason why we need Him as the Eternal Water and the Bread of Life is because we
have what we call as spiritual hunger and thirst.
What do
we hungry and thirsty about?
It’s
about we recharge ourselves with what we call the positive energies such as
peaceful, faith, truth, love, acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, and others.
By pray to Him with honest heart, feeling, emotion, and mind we release all our
hunger and thirst which we call as negative energies such as fears, doubt, insecurities,
depression, emptiness, frustration, grieve, and others (include our sins). In
this situation we are emptying our plates and glasses for us ready to receive
new and fresh foods and water from Him which are the light heart, mind,
emotion, feeling, and mental those we can call as the spiritual nutrition.
Because as long as we hold on those negativities, it’s same situation as we
keep our digestion in hunger and starvations. But in the case of spiritual
starvation could lead us into what we called flesh addictions such as binge
eating, drugs, sex, and else which also if we keep it happening in long term
could lead us into what we called as psychological situations such as
depression, and by we keep in the cycle of addiction and depression for long
term, it would also cost our physical health, like if we keep depression that
lead us to addict to junk foods would lead us to many physical health such as
diabetes, obesity, heart disease, and others. But when we allow ourselves to
open heart and mind four our spiritual hunger and thirst be filled and full by
Him the Eternal water and the bread of life, we will find peace in our
spiritual being and that will also help us to control our flesh appetite such
glutton, greedy, lust, envy, laziness, pride, and wrath.
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